Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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