So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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