I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
