Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
