fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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