is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
