i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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