oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
