i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
