Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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