Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
