just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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