Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
