i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I wear drunk well.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
