I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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