4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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