he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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