Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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