I got chris browned last night
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
