A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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