The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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