before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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