Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
