You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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