And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
