I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
