My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
