I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
