Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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