Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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