I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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