this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
