I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
