i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
