the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
my poor anus
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
