my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
