Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
