i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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