I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
