you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found puke in my bra..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
