Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
