a search helicopter?!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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