They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
