im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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