I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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