i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
