i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
