turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
