Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
