At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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