his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
