she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
